DoomScroll News Network Ep 001

DSNN WK 001 SEGMENT 001

DSNN WK 001 SEGMENT 002

DSNN WK 001 SEGMENT 003

DSNN WK 001 SEGMENT 004

DSNN WK 001 SEGMENT 005

DSNN WK 001 SEGMENT 006

DSNN WK 001 Transcript and Sources

(File: DNN Intro Theme)

Intro
Welcome to the DoomScroll News Network with Premium Jake. I’m your host, Premium Jake. Or, as I’m known in certain legal documents, “that one muhfucka who can’t keep his mouth shut.” This is our inaugural episode, so get your butt cheeks clenched. We’re about to bust one out.

Segment 1:
In “The POTUS Keeps Shitting Himself” news, Donald Trump was asked by a reporter why flags weren’t lowered for assassinated Minnesota state representative Melissa Hortman.
(Image File 013)

Trump told CBS News, and I quote, “Had the governor of Minnesota asked me to do that, I would have done that gladly.”
(Image File 001)
(Image File 002)

But…hold on. Why would he have done that “gladly”? As KOB4 CBS noted, Trump’s gracious Monday assertion conveniently omitted the fact that days after the murder, he was asked if he’d be calling Governor Walz. His response? That doing so would be a “waste of time.”
(Image File 003)

But don’t just take CBS’s word for it. Let’s hear it straight from the shit-goblin’s lips.
(Video File 004)

There it is, ladies, gentlemen, and enby friends. The subtext is text. That rat bastard effectively said, “Fuck Tim Walz and the Hortmans.”

Donald Trump not only lied about what he would’ve done, he initially had no idea who the reporter was even referring to. In a classic geriatric moment, he couldn’t be bothered to remember the assassination of two actual state lawmakers because, by his own accounting, he doesn’t give two flaming paper bags of shit left on the White House porch about Democrats. He finds them terrifying.

MAGA, is this your god?
(Image File 005)

Segment 2
Next up, in “The Trump Regime is Definitely Not the Second Coming of the Third Reich” news, Donald Trump, JD Vance, Stephen Miller, and a cavalcade of other guys who sound exactly like Nazis—but swear their microphones are just broken—made the easily debunked claim that left-wing violence is the greatest threat to America.
(Image File 006)

Stoking their own Reichstag fire, JD “Sofa Soaker” Vance, filling in for the recently deceased Charlie Kirk, said on his now-Kirkless podcast: “In a country of 330 million people, you can, of course, find one person of a given political persuasion justifying this or that or almost anything, but the data is clear: People on the left are much likelier to defend and celebrate political violence. This is not a both-sides problem.”
(Image File 014)

Prior to that, fake gamer and man-baby Elon Musk declared, “The left is the party of murder,” apparently forgetting there’s no U.S. political party officially called “The Left.”
(Image File 015)

See, this is how you know Elon bought his citizenship. Other immigrants had to pass a test most natural-born citizens would fail. But not Elon. He doesn’t know basic facts about the country he now~~owns~~ runs.
(Image File 016)

The head of the Voldemort Regime himself, Donald “Voldemort Vagneck” Trump, claimed “Most of the violence is on the left.”

Now, there are some unfortunate data sets for this Turd Reich that paint a different picture. A study from the National Institute of Justice—the nerds of the DOJ—published January 4th, 2024, and mysteriously deleted from the DOJ site this month, states in no uncertain terms that right-wing extremism is the number one name in violent extremism. Basically, they’re the Fox News of murder.

Quote: “Militant, nationalistic, white supremacist violent extremism has increased in the United States. In fact, the number of far-right attacks continues to outpace all other types of terrorism and domestic violent extremism. Since 1990, far-right extremists have committed far more ideologically motivated homicides than far-left or radical Islamist extremists, including 227 events that took more than 520 lives. In this same period, far-left extremists committed 42 ideologically motivated attacks that took 78 lives.”

Even the Cato Institute, which must be woke now, released a study on 11 September stating: “3,599 people have been murdered in politically motivated terrorist attacks in the United States from January 1, 1975, through September 10, 2025, with 83% of those deaths occurring during the Sept. 11, 2001, terrorist attacks. Right-wingers are the second most common motivating ideology, accounting for 391 murders and 11 percent of the total during that time period… Left-wing terrorists murdered 65 people, or about 2 percent of the total.”

So, even though the regime forgot about the Wayback Machine—because they don’t internet very well—and even though the Cato Institute is a right-wing think tank, the numbers don’t lie. But Sofa Soaker Vance, Vagneck Trump, and Stephen Naziferatu Miller definitely do.

Segment 3:
Next up in “Ted Cruz’s Dad is Probably the Zodiac Killer” news, Senator Ted Cruz was on CNN peddling garbage about “real money” behind “Antifa,” trying to convince us that RICO statutes are appropriate for addressing… protest funding.
(Video File 017)

Baby Zodiac Killer claimed shell casings had Antifa and transgender slogans on them—a claim debunked almost immediately. When told by Kaitlan Collins that the bullets did not have transgender slogans, Cruz pivoted to misunderstanding a “bulge” joke meant to mock transgender women. He repeatedly cut Collins off, accusing her of not wanting facts as she steadily provided them.

Cruz effectively defined left-wing violence as “celebrating” and failed to answer whether right-wing groups should be treated the same. After the segment, he reportedly fled the country, fearing another dog-walking from Collins.

Segment 4:
Next up in “The President of the United States Definitely Isn’t a Thin-Skinned Bitch” news, following the departure of Jimmy Kimmel from ABC after Trump’s latest tantrum, Stupid Sauron has set his sights on “The View.” This is likely because he learned there’s a Black woman on the show who answers to the name “Whoopi,” and he may have mistaken her for Joe Goldberg.

According to the Daily Beast, FCC Chairman and dildo-inspired buzzkill Mr. Brenden “I Love the Taste of Boots” Carr said, “I think it’s worthwhile to have the FCC look into whether The View… still qualifies as bona fide news program.”
(Image File 018)

Translation: “That’s a mighty nice all-woman right of center cast you have there. Be a shame if something happened to its broadcasting license.”

Cool. So now we’re in the stage of fascism where the Shit Goblin version of Adolf Hitler is openly threatening daytime talk shows for the crime of… not praising him sufficiently.

Let me check my notes…

Ah, yes—Baby Trump doesn’t like criticism, despite his very popular presidency polling at a still-miraculous 46.2%. Apparently, some Americans enjoy being rawdogged by a clown with no lube. I guess he’s happy he’s not a Democrat. Excuse my language.

Per the Daily Beast, if the FCC removes “The View’s” bona fide status, they would be forced to give ‘equal time’ to opposing viewpoints or remove political content altogether.
(Image File 019)

So, to appease a rich white man’s ego, we’re going to get the media equivalent of Florida. Fun.

All I’ve got to say is, Mr. President, I would never make fun of the fact you look like a half-done minstrel performer who mistook his own gold-toilet-housed feces for stage makeup.

This message is approved by the Secretary of Sickness and Billionaire Services, RFK Jr., or as he likes to be called, the Shitter in the Creek.

Segment 5:
Moving on to our final news segment, in “White Men Are Not The Primary Drivers of Ideological Violence” news, the Shit Goblin regime has decided right-wing extremism isn’t the problem; trans extremism is the real problem.
(Image File 021)

And I agree. Trans extremism is a real problem. If by “real” you mean completely fabricated from whole cloth to fit an agenda that trans people control everything and want to “transify” your children.
(Image File 020)

The theory goes that trans people dictate school curricula to inject “transgenderism” into young minds. The evidence? Vibes. Seriously.

Per Ken Klippenstein, quoting the Scarecrow’s understudy Pam Bondi pontificating on something she totally didn’t make up, “They are putting this crazy ideology in our schools.”
(Image File 023)

I’d like to remind you, trans people don’t dictate school curricula or run any schools. You’re mistaking them for fundamentalist Christian school boards who work with PragerU, where the U stands for unqualified to speak.

Here are the facts: the FBI, the DOJ, the Congressional Research Service, and the Cato Institute do not identify a single instance of so-called “trans extremism” as a factor in mass shootings or terrorist attacks. The Cato report cited earlier in the episode states, “Right-wingers are the second most common motivating ideology, accounting for 391 murders and 11 percent of the total.”
(Image File 024)

Notably absent from this conversation is the fact that right-wing trans people exist. I’ll cite Caitlyn Jenner as prime sellout number one.

The fact is, this is all a manufactured distraction. While the economy does its slow-motion collapse, the regime is taking a shit on your freedoms, stealing your money, and protecting pedos. They don’t care who you are.

THEY ARE NOT FOR YOU, MAGA. The sooner you wake up to this, the sooner we can correct the travesty of the Voldemort Regime.

Segment 6:
Now for my favorite segment: Shit Goblin of the Week.

What is a Shit Goblin? Obviously that one dude from the 80s sci-fi incel movie, “Weird Science.”

This honor goes to the World’s biggest Shit Goblin and comes with all associated accolades. What are those? Bragging rights and year’s supply of toilet paper.

For our inaugural Shit Goblin of the Week, I give you the king himself: Donald J. Trump. You should’ve seen this coming. I said “inaugural” twice in this episode.

Trump has spent weeks doing what he does best: sowing division and making threats. Shortly after the assassination of Charlie Kirk, the Makeup Mussolini got on his high horse to pontificate about the left and “trans ideology.” Since that doesn’t exist, and Trump is a provably stupid trash giblet, he doubled down on violent rhetoric instead of unifying the country. Watch.
(Video File 009)

Good lord. If I didn’t know better, I’d say Trump was less about “unifying the country” and more about dividing by zero.

Donald Trump is a black hole of misinformation, stupidity, and self-aggrandizement, bent on the collapse of the American Republic after 250 years of it slowly collapsing itself.

He is a thin-skinned coward with a bone to pick with the “elites” who wouldn’t invite him to their circle jerks. This week’s Shit Goblin is only interested in what the taxpayers can do for him.
(Image File 008)

If you have a modicum of honor, integrity, or a fucking soul, you need to recognize the danger. This clown doesn’t know how to share and believes we are all meant to serve him. NO WE ARE NOT. No president is owed our allegiance. They owe their allegiance to the people. Until I see proof the current POTUS isn’t a little bitch fanning the flames of extremism and disenfranchisement, you will never catch Premium Jake bending the knee to that Shit Goblin.
(Image File 010)

The Shit Goblin of the week is brought to you by Haterade—because why be decent when you can just shit all over everyone’s couch after Sofa Soaker Vance has had his way with it?

Ladies, gentlemen, enbies, that’s our show. Thank you for watching the DoomScroll News Network with Premium Jake. I’m your host, Premium Jake.
(File: DNN Outro Theme)